In The Days of King Lionheart

Everything is shit

My first party

I had been hanging around the Taskers guildhouse, looking for some marks, when this old beardy guy called out my name and ushered me inside, along with three other very large individuals. One of them was a lizard named Partyon. Another was a half elf named Raen and… something named Gene. I don’t know what Gene is cause he never took off his hood. I think the beard guys name was Enzor or Enzon or something. I tried to pick his pocket but all I found was my ring in there. It’s cool though, myself and Enzod are buddies.

He sent us to this posh house in the administration district. I wanted to go through the marketplace to see if i could steal lunch but nooOOOoo everyone wanted to go straight there. as a result, i didn’t get to eat all day, so I am starving. Maybe lizards and half elves and whatever Gene is don’t need food, but I do. I’ll have to remember to steer the party in a more food oriented direction tomorrow.

We ended up cutting straight through the administration district to get to this house. Some guy named Felix lives there. He is an appraiser with a dwarf butler. The dwarf has two hands, so no worries there, but the dwarf is also dead so now I’m really not concerned with him.

The dwarf brought us up to the attic and instructed us not to attempt to touch Felix. When we got up there, we saw Felix sitting next to a table with a red circle around him. The red circle prevented anything from getting in and out. This did not extend to sound, but judging from the dark patch on the floor Felix was trying to conceal from us it did extend to smell. Felix had fallen victim to a very literal cartoon Djinn, and he tasked us with retrieving it. I tried to throw a rock at him but it didn’t work. Then I tried to climb on Partyon’s shoulders but he threw me off. Then we set off to the sewers. I don’t know why we did that, but it has to do with a language Raen speaks. Raen’s the kind of guy that speaks 40 different languages but doesn’t know how to properly tie his shoes.

We get to a big metal disc that Partyon tosses aside with ease. I then get thrown headfirst into a river of fecal matter while Partyon gently lowers himself and the rest of the party to the ground. I am still livid about this. Raen mocked me, so I conjured the image of an ugly horse face around his face. I clearly won that particular interaction.

We walked down the smelly chasm until Gene heard some noises and spotted an orc and a trio of goblins coming at us. The Orc sounded like an old, heavily tobaccod, Jason Statham. We let Gene and Partyon do the talking. In the future, Gene and Partyon should only do the talking if the talking will be followed immediately by punching. This is exactly what transpired.

The goblins got the jump on us, dashing forward before they’d even seen me and slashing at Gene and Partyon. Partyon seemed ok but Gene took a pretty deep cut to the midsection. I tried to conjure a roar at the Orc, who still hadn’t seen me, but I failed miserably. Raen tried to blast the goblins with magic. I’m not sure if he connected, but I do know that he followed up his spell casting by scampering behind me. This is confusing, since Raen is 6 feet tall and I am four feet tall, but I imagine he had his reasons. Partyon and Gene had far more success, battering goblins into unconsciousness threw sheer size differences. The Orc dashed at Gene, but just missed with his ax. The I, the fearless hero of all stories, dove in elegant fashion past Partyon and hacked at the Orcs legs, cutting right through the tendons and leaving him crippled and useless. I wanted to interrogate him, since I was a bit confused about what he was doing there, something to do with a Rat King, but Partyon wanted to punch a cripple, and who am I to reason with a lizard’s fists.

I got a key, a sword, and some gold.

Instead of opening the heavy metal doors with the key, we took a right and found a wooden door that had music playing on the other side of it. We got in to see a giant blue creature dancing as a melody echoed from a strange metallic contraption in the corner of the room. The Blue Creature went over to the object, combed its hair, and hit it with its elbow, causing the music to stop. It turned out that this was the Genie we had been sent to find, his name is Tim. He told us he would only come if we fought his minions, but we were delayed by a strange coughing fit from Raen. Tim’s “Minions” turned out to be a bunch of chickens, which Partyon fried with Lighting Breath. Come to think of it, this would have been a good time to eat something.

We got Tim and walked back to Felix’s only to find the door ajar. We raced upstairs and saw the dwarf bloody in a corner with Felix pressed up against the circle white with fright. I am willing to bet the 4 gold i got off that orc that its vampires. Or I would be willing to bet that but i’m the only one with any money.

Take that Raen, you’re poor.



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